I'm Done.

So, now, since everything turned so different to my life lately, would I stop to be so selfish?

Yeah, I just realized, that I've been so selfish when I was with him. You know, I hurted my (ex) bestfriend so bad, I've been be so glad to hurt her deeper and deeper. But now, I'll give her a chance. A chance to touch his heart. A chance to be with him.

People know I broke up with him. And so? They may suggest the reasons, they may say what they think about, but I don't give a fuck, man.

I touched his heart easily. I got him easily. So, why she never get the same thing? In fact, she loves him deeper, maybe, than me. In fact, she would stay in every situation, but I wouldn't.

why?

why must be this complicated, when you know these stuffs : he loves me, she loves him, I love...who? him? loved, maybe. but now, I'd just give everrrry chances to her. Please, let her touch his heart. Please let 'em together. Because it's the way it should be. The way it supposes to be.

And for God's sake, I just realized how selfish I was. How bad I was.

I guess I'm done, God. Of this game. I never knew what to do in the first place -'til now.
And I guess I'm done, God. For being so selfish. For being so human. For being a bad girl.

You know, for the last time, I just want her, and him, to be happy. And perhaps, when they get together, that's the perfect way to make my wish come true.

Gosh, I do really wanna start a new thing in this period of high school. You know, I meet new people, new problems, new stuffs I never met before. And I do wanna being nice to everyone, everything. And I guess I'll just let my memories fade, especially my memories of the last year of my junior high school times.

I really am...done, God.

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I don't know that to say

...about this relationship.

What we've been through during these months. For what? If it,finally,will be broken at the end.
No,we're not broken.........yet?

I don't know who to trust now. Why do you have to lie? Why do you have to swear 'for God's sake?'
Ya know. Your future, my future, our future, is important to me. I do care about yourself, about your life, about your mother, about your future, your dreams, my dreams, our dreams. Together, you and me.

But, if that doesn't mean nothing to you. If I don't mean a thing for you. If you don't even care about our dreams, where will I stand? Why do we stand together?

It's a big deal for me, honey. Now I don't even care about people out there. They may laugh, they may say what they wanna say. But fuck, I never really care anymore. It's my life. Your life. Our life. I want the best for you. I want you to go to school, study and get success. Reach our dreams and hopes.............is that nothing for you?

I just can't. I can't being like this. I give you one more chance. Only one. And if you do the same mistakes....well then, happy goodbye, baby.

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Who To Trust?

huhu. And now I don't know who to trust.

I can't decide. No, not with all these stuffs in my head.

I'm tired to be lied by people. I'm afraid to face this. Afraid, this is gonna be the same. I don't want a relationship that full with lies. Like when I was with her.......that liar. I do want to kick her ass down, yell at her she is totally a jerk, yell at her that she is going to the hell right now.

I just don't know who to trust, who to believe. School is a big deal to me, especially YOUR school. I don't want you to make a lie again, not anymore.......

I think I'm wrong for choosing people who gives me information. So, here I am. With these stuffs in my head, like a bomb. Tick...tick...tick...when will explode?

That one said "for God's sake", and that one said "for Jesus Christ's sake"

SO WHO TO BELIEVE?

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Pressure

I want to be perfect.

For God's sake, I do.

Who doesn't?

Nobody's perfect, then why I envy people? So........human. I simply want a part of every ones of them. Oh, I want her eyes. I want his charm. I want her hair. I want his brain. I want her kind. I want his 'funny' part. I want her body. I want her face. Ahhhh can't I just stop?

Can I just say thanks.....to God for making me like this?

To love myself in the way I am, to make myself comfort with the way it does.
Really, really, really hard to do. You know, like the whole world wants you to be perfect. Like they know you can do it. It's like they make you down but they don't even care.

I'm just making it worse.....I.just.have.to.don't.care.at.all.

Even, my life is quite good. Fun, there is no serious problem at all. I just can't feel enough. I just want more, simply want more and more and more. So human. But I do want to stop it. Can I?

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A 'Drunk' Post

hey there. Ugh, 'til now I don't update www.paams.com yet. Lazy, then I'm just not in the mood.

Aaaah and I'm tired now. Just watched 2 movies in the cinema with my old friends. vanda, vircha, ondo & his cousin.

I was trying to sleep and didn't forget to put the 'minyak kayu putih' or 'cajuput oil' on my skin. Waaaarm and comfort. Then I did put the music on. Buble's song...... I should in the dreams now. But....well, I don't know. I just can't sleep. There are just TOO MUCH thoughts in my mind. It is, even, not important at all.

Ya know, I often got this. Like you were trying to sleep, you already close your eyes, then your memories, your dreams, your wishes, your thought, just show up and disturb you. Boo...

Then what I was thinking when I'm going to sleep is always about you. about her, sometimes. about my friends. the old ones, the new ones, all the things. And the funny part is, I rare think about my family. Yeah, you know, teens sometimes don't put the family on the important side. They put their relationship problems there......ya know, friends, lovers, styles, etc etc...

Then suddenly I wanted to write here. Yes, here. The blog in english version. With bad grammar and not important things to write...

I just........

Ugh. And I lost my words.

Ya know, I often think about my future. Who will I be? What will I do? Who is my soulmate? Am I a kind one? A loved one? Or a hated one? When will I die? Who will be my true love...

Everyone did, for sure...... I'm just scared to face my future. Scared to the death. Scared for getting married. Scared............if I fail. If I lost. If I'm not happy to be alive.

People often ask me what I wanna do with my life when I've grown up. Then me, or my mom, or my dad, would say 'she's gonna be an IT one' or 'she's gonna work in design worlds' but I'm not even sure about it. What I want to say is 'I'm gonna work what I'd love to do' but......now money buys everything. All the things. It even buys your dreams...

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