Paamsky | English Version

I'm Done.

2009-09-21T00:13:00.004+07:00

So, now, since everything turned so different to my life lately, would I stop to be so selfish?

Yeah, I just realized, that I've been so selfish when I was with him. You know, I hurted my (ex) bestfriend so bad, I've been be so glad to hurt her deeper and deeper. But now, I'll give her a chance. A chance to touch his heart. A chance to be with him.

People know I broke up with him. And so? They may suggest the reasons, they may say what they think about, but I don't give a fuck, man.

I touched his heart easily. I got him easily. So, why she never get the same thing? In fact, she loves him deeper, maybe, than me. In fact, she would stay in every situation, but I wouldn't.

why?

why must be this complicated, when you know these stuffs : he loves me, she loves him, I love...who? him? loved, maybe. but now, I'd just give everrrry chances to her. Please, let her touch his heart. Please let 'em together. Because it's the way it should be. The way it supposes to be.

And for God's sake, I just realized how selfish I was. How bad I was.

I guess I'm done, God. Of this game. I never knew what to do in the first place -'til now.
And I guess I'm done, God. For being so selfish. For being so human. For being a bad girl.

You know, for the last time, I just want her, and him, to be happy. And perhaps, when they get together, that's the perfect way to make my wish come true.

Gosh, I do really wanna start a new thing in this period of high school. You know, I meet new people, new problems, new stuffs I never met before. And I do wanna being nice to everyone, everything. And I guess I'll just let my memories fade, especially my memories of the last year of my junior high school times.

I really am...done, God.

I don't know that to say

2009-09-04T18:41:00.002+07:00

...about this relationship.

What we've been through during these months. For what? If it,finally,will be broken at the end.
No,we're not broken.........yet?

I don't know who to trust now. Why do you have to lie? Why do you have to swear 'for God's sake?'
Ya know. Your future, my future, our future, is important to me. I do care about yourself, about your life, about your mother, about your future, your dreams, my dreams, our dreams. Together, you and me.

But, if that doesn't mean nothing to you. If I don't mean a thing for you. If you don't even care about our dreams, where will I stand? Why do we stand together?

It's a big deal for me, honey. Now I don't even care about people out there. They may laugh, they may say what they wanna say. But fuck, I never really care anymore. It's my life. Your life. Our life. I want the best for you. I want you to go to school, study and get success. Reach our dreams and hopes.............is that nothing for you?

I just can't. I can't being like this. I give you one more chance. Only one. And if you do the same mistakes....well then, happy goodbye, baby.

Who To Trust?

2009-09-02T18:04:00.004+07:00

huhu. And now I don't know who to trust.

I can't decide. No, not with all these stuffs in my head.

I'm tired to be lied by people. I'm afraid to face this. Afraid, this is gonna be the same. I don't want a relationship that full with lies. Like when I was with her.......that liar. I do want to kick her ass down, yell at her she is totally a jerk, yell at her that she is going to the hell right now.

I just don't know who to trust, who to believe. School is a big deal to me, especially YOUR school. I don't want you to make a lie again, not anymore.......

I think I'm wrong for choosing people who gives me information. So, here I am. With these stuffs in my head, like a bomb. Tick...tick...tick...when will explode?

That one said "for God's sake", and that one said "for Jesus Christ's sake"

SO WHO TO BELIEVE?

Pressure

2009-08-26T16:49:00.002+07:00

I want to be perfect.

For God's sake, I do.

Who doesn't?

Nobody's perfect, then why I envy people? So........human. I simply want a part of every ones of them. Oh, I want her eyes. I want his charm. I want her hair. I want his brain. I want her kind. I want his 'funny' part. I want her body. I want her face. Ahhhh can't I just stop?

Can I just say thanks.....to God for making me like this?

To love myself in the way I am, to make myself comfort with the way it does.
Really, really, really hard to do. You know, like the whole world wants you to be perfect. Like they know you can do it. It's like they make you down but they don't even care.

I'm just making it worse.....I.just.have.to.don't.care.at.all.

Even, my life is quite good. Fun, there is no serious problem at all. I just can't feel enough. I just want more, simply want more and more and more. So human. But I do want to stop it. Can I?

A 'Drunk' Post

2009-08-21T21:56:00.003+07:00

hey there. Ugh, 'til now I don't update www.paams.com yet. Lazy, then I'm just not in the mood.

Aaaah and I'm tired now. Just watched 2 movies in the cinema with my old friends. vanda, vircha, ondo & his cousin.

I was trying to sleep and didn't forget to put the 'minyak kayu putih' or 'cajuput oil' on my skin. Waaaarm and comfort. Then I did put the music on. Buble's song...... I should in the dreams now. But....well, I don't know. I just can't sleep. There are just TOO MUCH thoughts in my mind. It is, even, not important at all.

Ya know, I often got this. Like you were trying to sleep, you already close your eyes, then your memories, your dreams, your wishes, your thought, just show up and disturb you. Boo...

Then what I was thinking when I'm going to sleep is always about you. about her, sometimes. about my friends. the old ones, the new ones, all the things. And the funny part is, I rare think about my family. Yeah, you know, teens sometimes don't put the family on the important side. They put their relationship problems there......ya know, friends, lovers, styles, etc etc...

Then suddenly I wanted to write here. Yes, here. The blog in english version. With bad grammar and not important things to write...

I just........

Ugh. And I lost my words.

Ya know, I often think about my future. Who will I be? What will I do? Who is my soulmate? Am I a kind one? A loved one? Or a hated one? When will I die? Who will be my true love...

Everyone did, for sure...... I'm just scared to face my future. Scared to the death. Scared for getting married. Scared............if I fail. If I lost. If I'm not happy to be alive.

People often ask me what I wanna do with my life when I've grown up. Then me, or my mom, or my dad, would say 'she's gonna be an IT one' or 'she's gonna work in design worlds' but I'm not even sure about it. What I want to say is 'I'm gonna work what I'd love to do' but......now money buys everything. All the things. It even buys your dreams...

my domain is back!!

2009-08-18T18:00:00.002+07:00

hello everybody!!! YEARHHH! I'm in the mood now. My domain just renewed, by transferring 90.000 IDR to dijaminmurah.com, YESS I DO LOVE BLOG (though I'm not often anymoreee in blog world :C )

And I'm going to write a post, a long post maybe, on www.paams.com, I love you my blog <3

Uhm, and anyway, I and my boyfriend have been 6 months <3
Love youuuuuuu :)

Today's Happiness

2009-06-17T21:10:00.004+07:00

well, today I just went to my boyfriend's house. It was fun! Actually we didn't so something special.....but because I did my day with him, everything seemed soooooo fun and un-boring.

And I'm still not alright because I can't meet him often...........boo! :'( such a luck to meet him once a week. Will it be worse if we start the high school? My school would be different from him...... *start cry* hahaha okay then, I'm a little over reaction about this one (oh you're not a little pam, you're a BIG one)

What I did in my bf's house?
Well.....just talked and talked, laughed and laughed.....things I think really really fun to do with a boyfriend. I do love him...............and after 4 months I don't even feel a little bit of bore.hehehe.something I thought will never happen to me.........w-o-w.

And I met his sister (and his sister's boyfriend) and I met his mother (!!!), well I couldn't say anything about this. Embarassed. I lost my brain when met them....huhuhuhu :'( really really really really nervous. They are nice, actually. But I don't know, it's like I lost my words when must talk to them. huhuhuhu. help me on this one.

Well, I must say sorry to velika vircha vanda karina greta early tracy ondo because couldn't go hangout with them...........and thanks for just picked me up, ndo.haha.

And anyway, I can't wait to meet my boy on Friday! love you love you love you.

bad mood this morning

2009-06-15T09:24:00.001+07:00

Huh. Don't know why I'm so in bad mood this morning.

9:25 AM. Yeah, that's morning for me. hehehe.

Maybe it's because I can't meet him as often as I used to. It's holiday now........... and I'm dying here. huhuhuhu :(

I already told him I don't like if I can't meet him as often as I used to. He said he couldn't do anything about it.......It's holiday, I know. But I don't like too how he has been so busy recently. Gigs gigs, recording, friends, huhhh where is time for me?

So he just said tomorrow he would come hereeeeeeeee. at 11 am. Yippie!

just got the sexiest thing

2009-06-14T19:30:00.001+07:00

I just got this new sexy thing. Soooo glad to got this one, was my dream :p

I thought I would get this thing in my birthday this year, but my dad bought it when he bought a Vaio notebook for my brother. I was sooooo in bad mood because I didn't get permission to hang out with my friends in Karina's birthday. My parents couldn't do anything about my mood. I was REALLY REALLY in bad mood for about 5 days. Then I went to Mangga Dua to buy a notebook for my brother. There my dad finally bought me that sexy thing! My mood had come back hahaha :-)

Then, now, I'm using wifi to online. Ya know what? My neighbor's wifi is showed in my room! yes, my bedroom! So I don't have to use ETHERNET(!!!) anymore with my shit modem. Now I'm using my neighbor's wifi, for free! But I can't do anything about the speed. Sometimes it's fast enough, but now the speed is suck. huh.

But, as long as it's free, as long as it's in my room with air conditioner, it makesss me happy! hehehe. Really, today is one of my fave days. I just knew about that wifi thing in this morning by seeing the network status on my phone. It told me there was wifi connection in my room, then I tried to connect it with my mac, and luckily, it didn't need the password. Huh, now I know why people said I'm a a lucky one. Thanks God :p

Then today, I, mom, and dad went to Kelapa Gading Mal (huh that place again) and I found one nice dress and bought it. Actually, I need one more dress (for THOSE upcoming events), but my mom already tired (even I was just shopping for about HALF hour), so she promised me we would go to Plaza Senayan soon in this week to buy one more dress (and shoes, and bags, but I didn't tell her about it, hum...secret mission huh? :D)

And I'm realllllly boring in this holiday. boo :( Evan is busy now. His band starts to be in events and would record a demo this week. So I won't meet him for a long time. Huh, just thinking about it and already missed him :-( When will you come to home again, Van? I miss you miss you miss you miss you (hope he won't read this, such a shame)

And I just made Twitter (Huh, Paams? You've made your FS about 3 years ago. You became a blogger about 2 years ago. You did online almost everyday. But you just made twitter?!) haha lol yeah, actually I already have kind of Twitter stuffs, named Plurk. Maybe some bloggers know about it. But since my Plurk is full by unknown people, so I didn't open that plurk anymore. And, hey, follow my twitter : www.twitter.com/pamelanovranska

And, guys, do you have any recommendation applications for my mac? Something's free (don't care if it's illegal) I was just looking for The Sims 3 but didn't find it in free apps. My bro just bought The Sims 3 CD but it's for Windows (for sure) and he said 'it would be work in mac' huh, what did he know about mac? But, I still tried those CDs in my mac, I was just hoping it would be work.......but, you know, it didn't. Of course. Huh.

*picts are taken by E71 phone, sorry for bad pixels.

first post

2009-06-14T18:40:00.001+07:00

Hello! This is my first post, let me tell you about myself;
my name is Pamela Novranska, or you can call me Pamela, Paams, or Pame for nick.
I'm 15, from Jakarta, and already have a blog -> www.paams.com
This blog is just another diary for me, and I'll write it in english.

And first, I'd like to say sorry about my grammar. I know it's bad. Ugh.

I live in Jakarta, Indonesia. Nice to know ya, folks.